Category Archives: Love

If Two People Are Meant To Be Together, Eventually They’ll Find Their Way Back

Yesterday, I read this beautifully written article on Huffington post. You can read it here. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve loved and lost, but the thing that I identified with most from the article is how truly loving someone changes you. I recently let go of someone I love and it was liberating.

Loving him hasn’t changed, but the fact that he doesn’t love me sunk in and I’m totally okay with that. Its taken a few years to get to this point, but I made a realisation that I do not require someone to love me for me to love them. Its quite a liberating feeling.

And I wouldn’t say that I’m waiting or pining away for him either. In fact, I’ve not prayed for his return in my life, or anything like that. I don’t need anything from the people I love because I provide everything I need myself.

Life is this funny thing that really does get better with age.

Enough ramblings. Have a wonderful day from me.

– C.

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Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.

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TANTRA IS THE OPPOSITE OF PORN – LEARNING HOW TO ACTUALLY BE INTIMATE

What if studying tantra could heal our addiction to porn? What if tapping into our natural abilities to experience ecstasy changes everything?

I was really nervous when I first realized that I wanted to teach Tantra. What would people think? Would they be offended? Talking about sex is such a no-no. I live in a very small conservative community, so how was this going to work?

But then a good friend said to me, “Do you realize what you’re offering people? Tantra is essentially the OPPOSITE of porn.” Once I realized this, I never looked back!

Porn is a funny thing. Despite some opinions, I don’t believe it is inherently evil. Lots of people truly enjoy watching porn, including many couples who use it together to have a new experience. Yet it is seemingly undeniable that there are some real dark sides to porn.

Besides the obvious violence and anything involving children, there are much more insidious issues:

1) What We Look Like Is Everything

Porn focuses on being stimulated through the body. And so we are subconsciously told that sexuality depends on what your body looks like. You must be young, fit, and have perky breasts and a large penis, otherwise you can’t be a good lover. And ironically, this sets up a huge self-worth issue in everyone, particularly those who don’t see themselves as young, fit, and perky. And for the ones that do, they still quite often don’t see themselves as perky enough, or big enough. Ultimately, no one leaves feeling happy with themselves.

2) It’s All About Successfully Pleasuring the Other

Porn focuses on pleasing the other. Now obviously there is some part of us deep down that knows that the desire to please our partner is actually a wonderful thing. But that isn’t usually how it comes across in porn. It comes across as the only thing that is important. That bringing the other person to orgasm is the only goal. And what’s wrong with that, you ask? Well it is the message that our unconscious receives, that this is the only goal of lovemaking. That if you can’t bring your partner to orgasm, then there is no point making love. We end up with things like performance anxiety on both the giver and the receiver side.

3) Connection and Intimacy Aren’t Important

Porn has nothing to do with connection. It is simply a series of physical events that two people do together. There is no connection or intimacy. And this isn’t always bad — sometimes a round of rockin’ porn sex can be fun, but again it sends programming to our subconscious that this is what sex is about. That the connection doesn’t matter and it’s just about getting off.

4) This Is All We Are Capable Of

The worst part of it is that porn makes us believe that this is all there is. We think that we know what sex is all about and that porn just plays the edge of it, which is what is so titillating. But it isn’t true.

THE TRUTH IS that we as humans are using maybe 5% of our sexual abilities. It’s like having a piano where we think that there are only 10 keys. So we get really good at playing “Chopsticks.” But the truth is that there are 88 keys and we can actually play phenomenal, mind-blowing music. But we just didn’t know.

Porn deepens the belief that “Chopsticks” is all there is. So we just play it edgier and edgier so that hearing it still interests us. But we are missing the boat.

So how does Tantra change all this?

It shows us the other 78 keys on the piano, and then teaches us how to play.

1) We Are So Much More Than Our Physical Bodies

The sexiest part of us isn’t our physicality. A truly sensual person has a presence about them that is absolutely captivating and enthralling. They can look at you and gently touch you in a way that will leave you spellbound. They will bring you into their inner quiet where you will breathe and touch each other, sending chills and orgasms throughout your bodies. What their body looks like is quite irrelevant.

2) Pleasuring Is Greater When It Is Mutual

We are energetic beings as well as physical. When we are touching our partner, if we are really present and enjoying the feel of our partner’s skin, they will sense this. Your touch will be different than if you are just doing it in order to please them. When you are truly in the moment, there is an electricity that comes out of your fingers (or other sexy parts) and permeates your partner’s entire body. As your partner’s body responds to this, this pleasure cycles back to you, and the giver and the receiver roles start to become blurred. There is just simply pleasure being shared regardless of who is doing what.

3) Connection Is Everything

We are DESIGNED to connect with each other on a very deep level. Human beings do not do well without feeling deep connection. We call it “neediness” and “being desperate” when someone is feeling disconnected. But it’s really just because deep down we know that we are capable of phenomenal connection. And when we feel this amazing connection, things in our lives just get better. Depression lifts. We don’t feel as anxious. We notice the joys in life. We appreciate each other. We feel a level of contentment and happiness that we just don’t experience when we are all alone.

In tantra, this connection comes first. This is the foundation of all the sexual play. It’s like you first have to “plug in” to each other before the energy can flow. And so there is real intention to drop our guards and allow each other inside to truly connect and experience each other.

4) Sex Is Meant To Be a Multi-Dimensional Experience

When we actually bring in everything that we truly are into our intimate experiences, we go from having simply physical sex to having an experience involving our minds, emotions, feelings, intuition, passion, and presence, plus a pile of dimensions that you can’t even explain — they just happen.

And the most amazing thing is that it doesn’t take any tricks. It doesn’t take a pile of methods or fancy sexual abilities. It is actually incredibly natural and programmed into us; we just haven’t accessed it.

So Will Tantra Rid the World of Porn?

I don’t think so. We love sex. Our sexual desire makes us feel alive. And truthfully, watching other people have sex can be very titillating.

Tantra heals our REAL relationships with REAL people. Learning how to actually be intimate with others allows us to have incredibly satisfying relationships with the people around us. We feel deeper connections and our intimate experiences actually heal us and make us feel wonderful about ourselves!

So porn won’t go away, but for many, the addiction can fade, because once you start experiencing the opposite side, your true potential, true intimacy, and the sexual experiences that we are designed to have, the porn can’t own you. It just doesn’t come close to comparing to the experiences you’ve had.

 

Written by Katrina Bos

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Daily Inspiration: OMGYes.com

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Omgyes.com

You’re welcome.

I stumbled across this website after reading an interview Emma Watson did of Gloria Steinem and I can reliably say that its the best thing I’ve subscribed to this year.

This website explores specific key ways that different women find pleasure based on extensive new research. The videos are open, refreshingly honest and educational in a way that isn’t confrontational.

Click here to experience a free session on ‘edging’ – so worth it. Plus, the website is having a sale at the moment. Register now and its on £20 for Season 1, which usually costs £40. Well worth every single pound.

Enjoy!

The Definition of Love

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Another post from July 2013… it isn’t something I wrote myself, but something I had planned to share.

The more I go through my old (and mostly forgotten) draft posts, the more I appreciate my experience of early youth: fearlessly curious and unapologetically adventurous . And as I make my way into my 30s, it just makes me smile. I’m living.

I hope you enjoy this post as much as I enjoyed re-engaging with it.

You can stop taking quizzes in Cosmo. Here’s what love really is.

Love is still wanting to hold someone after you climax. After the initial euphoria from the orgasm wears off, you’re replaced with a sense of calm rather than a panic. You don’t want to search for your clothes, scramble to find your keys and figure out the best way to tell them, “See ya later forever!” You’re fine with chilling out in bed with the person and maybe ordering pad thai later.

Love is unattractive. It can expose our worst traits: Jealousy, irrational fears, heated anger; the gang’s all here! While it can bring out compassion and tenderness, it can also make you behave like the ugliest version of yourself. That can be okay for a little while, but love with real longevity should be like a xanax rather than an adderall.

Love is not afraid to be schmaltzy. There’s a reason why the most popular love songs are so lyrically simple. You can drown it in metaphors all you want but love usually boils down to, “You make me so happy. I want to hold your hand. I just want u 2 be mine 4ever!” You can be a 50-year-old linguistics professor at Columbia University and still find something to relate to in a Mariah Carey ballad if you’re in love because the feelings are so universal. It’s humbling, isn’t it? No matter who you are or what your background is, love can reduce you to Mariah Carey mush.

Love is an all-consuming drug. It gives us these natural highs we’ve only read about in books or heard in songs. It’s addictive. It’s what keeps us going to bars, drinking glasses of wine, going to that stupid house party in Bushwick; it’s all for the possibility of finding love. In the wrong hands, love can be dangerous and scary. If someone lacks a healthy foundation, love can kill. All of these crimes you read about in the newspapers are usually linked to passionate love. “I did it because I loved them just…too much.”

Love is not what our parents had. In high school, you never wanted to think about your mother and father having once slept with people in the backseat of cars and feeling warm and happy. That would make it feel less special and young. It would make love have less to do with you when, EXCUSE ME, it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

Love is getting drunk with your significant other at a party and taking a cab home with your bodies intertwined. You feel safest in these moments, the most secure. Entering a social gathering with someone who loves you is the biggest security blanket. People leave the party as a parade of droopy expressions and sad cocktail dresses. But not you. “Sorry guys, I’m in love! I’m taking a car!”

Love is fucking stupid. Love is fucking smart. Love is about betraying yourself, of compromising your ideals for someone else’s approval. That’s actually the bad kind of love, but I guess it all blurs together when you’re young or when you’re old or when you don’t love yourself.

Love is your significant other telling you about their favorite album and then making a point to fall in love with it on your own. Love is wondering why your better half loves certain things. You think you can find remnants of them in their favorite films, books and songs, but you usually can’t.

Love is finding yourself feeling protective over someone else’s well-being Love is being incensed with rage when someone or something has done your lover wrong.

Love is wanting your partner to cum. And if they can’t, just say, “That’s okay. I’m enjoying this.” It might be bullshit, but they’ll be orgasming in the next five minutes. Trust me.

Love isn’t always marriage. Marriage is spending $60,000 so everyone can know that someone loves you. You know what’s certainly not love? Debt. In some cases, love can be divorce.

Love is a back massage, a mindfuck, a hard cock, a pair of perfect breasts, of feeling unashamed about the cellulite on your body. Love is someone giving a shit about you enough to argue. Love is not passive. Love is “Don’t fucking touch me right now.” Love is “Who the FUCK were you talking to?” Love is sometimes hating yourself for a second. Love is hate. Period. Indifference is the real killer of love and the true antithesis.

When love leaves you, you should be lying on your bathroom floor with no resolve. You’re smoking cigarettes in the bathtub and crying about everything bad that’s ever happened.

Love is someone seeing the beauty in you and wanting to bask in it every day all day. Love is not guaranteed. We are not owed love. That’s why when we get it, we know how lucky we are and hold on to it for dear life.

So, yeah. That’s what love is. Anyone know where to get some?

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Can a Man and a Woman really have a Platonic Relationship?

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I just read a really well written article that put forward a really good response to the question above – read it here. I think each one of us has asked ourselves (or been asked) this question at some point in our lives, but until reading that particular article I hadn’t really understood my particular stance.

I’ve always thought (and still do) think men and women can happily exist within the confines of a platonic relationship. It truly isn’t that hard to do. However, what I haven’t (perhaps stubbornly) contemplated is what happens when the connection between you and your friend is so strong that the natural reaction to said connection to further deepen it? What do you do then?

 

Taking stock: an ode to someone I love.

Okay. I know it’s been a while since I’ve seriously and consistently blogged. It’s not because I haven’t had time, because if I’m completely honest with you, I’ve had shit loads of it.

But after a few years of mostly being silent, I have the urge to start communicating again. So I am.

Going through the various drafts in this blog’s post section, I’ve come across a few gems I never got round to finishing, but I reckon I’ll post them anyways, because they’re surprisingly honest.

The post below is from four years ago. I can’t remember why I say I was low – the only thing I can think of is the end of my second relationship. However, its not only the content that encouraged me to finally post this, but also the language. I think I must have really loved him. That’s nice.

Enjoy!

It’s funny how time changes things: looks, seasons, emotions. Those close to me know I recently became single and at the time, I don’t think I’ve ever quite been so low. Apart from the usual broken heart, love lost and questions about whether I could ever make a relationship work, this was the first time I ever seriously felt like the problem was me. That’s I wasn’t mature enough to make a long-distance relationship work, I wasn’t smart or interesting enough to keep us going, I wasn’t enough to make him comfortable enough to love me.

In hindsight, I realise that none of these things were true. In trying to understand a man who is essentially the most complicated human being I’ve ever come across, I spent all my time trying to separate the greys into blacks and whites and it just wasn’t so simple. My ex is truly one of the most sensitive, honest (sometimes I’d wish he’d at least soften Truth’s sharp blow), rational and fun people I’ve ever know. He’s also one of the most stubborn, proud and emotionally blocked people too. His light is so strong, but its strength is drawn from the dark depths that exist in the same place.